This week was weird though. When I opened it up I had a flashback to 1999. It was really kind of strange to be honest. It was suddenly like I was back living in Green Bay on Webster Ave in the little apartment that was part of an old victorian style house, that was always too hot because it was still heated with radiator heat and the thermostat was in the hallway by the door that lead outside. I actually remembered the first time I received a TNT brochure! I even remember where I was standing in that little apartment, right next to the big bay window that overlooked the traffic signal. It was such a vivid flashback, it took me a minute to kind of get myself back to 2012! I know you are thinking some strange thoughts about me right now, but bare with me.
At that point I was still oh so young and still was trying to get into my groove. I had within the last 6mo moved from Newport Beach, CA back to my parents house in WI and shortly thereafter into this lovely little apartment in GB. I was working kind of weird shifts at the hospital, I was still bar tending, and I also had a retail job at Eddie Bauer. Some days I worked all three jobs in the same day! Those were some busy times.
I remember looking at this piece of mail addressed to me, Sarah Blom and thinking really? Who thinks I can do this? (Because I was convinced that there was someone actually addressing it to me personally. Oh to be young a nieve again!) I read it at least 17 times and actually considered how cool it would be to go to Hawaii to do whichever event they were selling at that moment. You see this was before I even attempted to take a step quicker than a quick saunter. That little piece of junk mail convinced me that I could have an athletic goal. How strange is that?? I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I quickly got my rear in gear and started training or anything like that, but I will tell you that the idea that I "could" be an athlete entered my head. It would actually be a few more years before I even attempted my first run. Sure I think I started taking some really long walks, but nothing that equaled anything.
To have all of that come flashing back at me was very intense. I am in such a different spot in life now. The fact that I get it now, NO they don't want me, Sarah specifically, but rather my fundraising abilities. I am actually working toward one of the goals they are always pitching, but for me not their fundraiser. Not that there is anything wrong with that, I am just happy that I am taking on the challenge of the event rather than the fundraising as well.
This also brings me to my current lack of focus. It is driving me MAD!! Mad I tell you!
I have focus. That is a word that I would most definitely use to describe myself. When I am presented with a task, I work until it is done. I am a perfect worker bee and also a perfect blood hound. Once I get my nose on something, I don't let it go until it is done or I know the answer. Oh how it can drive my husband nuts! Just this weekend I spent what was most likely several hours looking at the Louis Vuitton website comparing it to photos just so I could figure out a specific purse! REALLY SARAH, you have nothing better to do?? (This is me yelling at me because I get how ridiculous I can be)
I assisted in Cardiac surgery for God's sake by choice! You have to have focus to stare into a 4" x 6" hole in someone's chest for 12 hours at a time. Oddly I enjoyed it. I hope this properly explains my focus.
So now that I recently have found myself unable to even finish sentences to my husband, I am about ready to yell STOP to the world so I can catch my breath!
It feels like I am being torn into a million little pieces and I am not sure how to make all the pieces work together again. Maybe I am trying to do too much? I don't think so, but maybe it would be a good idea to try and reevaluate all that is going on. I see other people doing all sorts of things at the same time and they don't seem to be on the brink of insanity. Maybe this is because they don't feel the need to focus on every single little detail concerning every single bit of their life. Emails, texts, supper, snacks, pre-school conversations, my sister's wedding invitations I am making, the package that was delivered to our house that is not ours, making and maintaining friendships, trying to figure out what the weather will be like in SLO on April 22 and how I can figure out what outfit I should wear for my first 26.2...these are all things that I am presently trying to focus on all at the same time, plus many others MANY MANY others. It is not the amount of things on my plate, none of them are particularly overwhelming. It is the amount of focus I want to put into all of them. It's just not going to happen and it is driving me NUTS!!
I think I will throw my hands up in the air and give up...at least for a little bit and go for a run. Easy three today should be just enough to get my head back to on straight. AH HA! It is clear to me now...I have not run in two days (because HAl told me not to) and the indoor bike trainer is even more mind numbing than treadmill running!!! Here's to a run and hopefully a cleared head...Cheers!
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