Doubting Thomas? How About Skeptical Sarah

I'm frustrated.
I have been for some time now.
I feel blah, my running is blah, everything is blah.
I'm irritated that my body isn't responding-but why should I be?  I'm not really doing anything to change it if I am being honest with myself.
So what am I really irritated at? Myself.  Isn't that the hardest thing to do-point the finger back at yourself and realize you are the reason everything is wrong.  I so want to blame someone or something, but I can't.
It's time to man up and admit to all the pitfalls I have fallen into. Of course it started when I got pregnant.  I am going to admit something here which embarrases my deeply-while I was pregnant with Ryan I craved and ate Mc Donald's cheeseburgers, Big Mac's and chocolate shakes like it was my job!!  If you knew me in person you would understand that equates me saying I am the Devil Incarnate.  Seriously-I detest everything fast food stands for!!!
Then Ry was born and I went back to healthy eating.  You all know the story-along came Elise three months later and pregnancy took over once again.  I was so tired all the time and to make up for my lack of energy I ate.  I basically ate anything and everything I could get my hands on!  If I could not shovel it (not sit down savor and enjoy-but straight up shovel and inhale) I did  not eat it.  So not much preparing of healthful foods.  I didn't crave the Golden Arches (thank God) but I also wasn't paying attention so I overate-All. The. Time.
What next-PPD UGH!!  Need I say more.  Dealing with depression is a whole other thing in itself.  For the first time in my life I found myself comfort eating-or to be more clear Comfort Shoveling High Cal Food.  Doughnuts, Bacon, you name it.  If it was rich and tasty I ate it.  Not that I believe those foods are bad for you by definition, they are just what I tell my kids in regards to snacks "Sometimes Foods" not everyday make you grow food.

Part of this is what lead to running the marathon-I wanted to lose the last of the weight. Yet again though I made a grave mistake.  I started to "diet" while training.  If you know anything about healthful eating, you will know this was just about the dumbest thing I could have done.  I felt all the negative affects; poor training, long recovery times, low energy, on and on. In the end I didn't lose a single pound and instead gained five more back!!

Then I went hardcore-Bob Harper "The Skinny Rules" which I think should be retitled "How To Screw Up Your Metabolism In One Month Or Less".  Seriously, I used to respect Bob, but have a hard time with someone who promotes How To Be An Anorexic.  I may be a little harsh here but after sticking with him and not only not losing weight, but after three trips to the Dr's I figured out I was just starving myself!

I've had quite a bit more success by eating more and doing Boot Camp at the YMCA etc. but the kids weren't cooperating when it was time to go to the gym, and let me tell you sometimes fighting with SUPER headstrong, SUPER spirited three and four year olds just isn't worth it.  They drained the life out of me just getting them into the car let alone getting the car seats belted.  So again I flounder.

Then I decided to try something I previously would have been totally against.  I feel like anything marketed to the masses as fitness, health, diet, etc should be considered 100% suspect and avoided at all costs.  But, I started to ask questions and opinions of those who I trust.  They all had similar impressions and advice and none of it was negative exactly.  The biggest thing I found was No One finished the entire 60 day program-BUT that is because they all were trying to keep up their running at the same time and they just plain old got exhausted.

So I'm diving in.  I am committing to the Insanity 60 Day Challenge.  I luckily got the videos from another awesome running friend and she also gave me the nutrition guide.  So far I have had the guide one day.  It suggests you eat five meals per day.  I have known for awhile that I am not eating constantly throughout the day and my blood sugar  is dropping like a bomb!  So far I have been sticking to eating 2-3 hrs with the suggested foods and I have already felt more "even"  The amount of suggested daily cal intake for me is about what I would suspect is right on target.  Not too few to keep my internal engine running.  For me that's about 1900-2100 per day.  Very realistic, not even close to starvation.  I also am going to add the Shakeology product to my diet as well.
I am also being guided through this process by the lovely Rhonda at Motivation Rhonda  who is a runner herself.  She too was a midpack runner (and diet product skeptic) who integrated Insanity into her running and also the Shakeology products.  She later went on to qualify for Boston!  I'm not saying that just because you do Insanity workouts and drink Shakeology drinks that you will BQ, but how awesome would it be if it helped get my body back to start so I could really focus on my running again and achieve the goals I have set for myself.

There is just one small problem.  I have NO problem giving up running for two months-it's just not that fulfilling right now anyhow-but I do have a bib for the Seattle Rock N Roll Half that I'm not sure what to do with.  I guess I will just play it by ear and see how it all shakes out.

One last thing, for the first time ever I have taken a "Before" picture.  It's not pretty and I am not quite ready to share it-maybe after some results?

Missing: 1 Blogger

Again it's been awhile since I have shared.  There is only one reason for my absence:

Embarrassment 

This revelation came to me a few days ago while I was running.  Yes, I have been running. Not much and Not fast, but my feet have been moving quickly in front of one another. Here is a list of things I am most embarrassed about:

• My audacity to think running a couch to marathon program was a good idea
• The fact that I have a running blog and I haven't "really" been running
• The fact that I am horribly out of shape-yes I ran a marathon and I am still HORRIBLY out of shape
• The fact that I let myself get caught up in the "I must be a thin hot mom to fit in with everyone"-Since when in my life have I ever wanted to "Fit In?!?!"
• The fact I agreed to run with a great group of women running bloggers when I really haven't been running, or blogging!
• The fact that I took so little care of myself that  I finally had to get injured to finally see that fact!
•  I had to  fess up to all of these facts and plenty more!

As you can see there has been a whole bunch of soul searching going on over at the Mertel homestead. Motherhood changes you and I wasn't prepared for all the mental changes that went with it.  I also naively believed in the whole "oh you are fit, you will be back to your old body in NO time"  RIGHT!!!  You gain 50# and don't do a lick of exercise the entire time, and you really think you will just pop back into place-at age 39 no less?!?!  WHAT WAS I THINKING???

Also, I have never really been wrapped up in the whole "You need to look this way or that to fit in" thing.  I don't believe in a "diet", I believe in eating food.  REAL food, not the processed crap that comes from a box.  My mom makes fun of the fact that there is a weird vegetable served with almost every one of my meals I make (that to her means squash LOL-I love her but veggies aren't her thing)
So how did I find my self "dieting" ALL summer long?  I spent more time counting calories and limiting food.  I spent time reading diet books and planning meals that were unfulfilling.  In fact I would often just skip eating because what I was "suppose" to eat just sounded horrible.

This then led to my whole summer feeling like a haze that flew by me.  I was often disoriented and spacey, not to mention incredibly moody and frankly downright miserable to be around!  I slept horrible and I was ALWAYS exhausted.  In fact I went to see both my General Practitioner and my OB/GYN trying to figure out what was wrong with me.

About a month ago I ran across a Facebook page Go Kaleo on MomVS Marathon's page.  Her statement was simple (and I am totally paraphrasing what my mind read)  Eat when you are hungry, eat whole food, move your body every day.  The rest will fall into place.
Now she said a lot more than that, but that is what my mind read because that had been my EXACT philosophy for years!!!

So right now I am focussing on repairing my relationship with my brain in regards to fitness.  My marathon messed with my brain.  I had to realize that not every run needed to be 5+ mi during the week and 10+mi on the weekends and all runs don't have to be faster than 9mm!

Some days I run now for 20min.  I try not to notice how many miles I ran.  I just try to focus on the fact that I ran them pain free and that I had energy to run them in the first place!

I've stopped weighing myself and I have started eating regularly again.  I feel great!  I am sleeping easily again, I am no longer cold all the time, I am still a little cranky, but come on!  I have a 2.5yo and a 3.5yo!  Who wouldn't be a little nuts!

I am currently working on all over body strengthening.  I have never been a weight lifter or gym goer for any other reason than cardio and that is no longer acceptable.  Even though I am not a fitness "beginner" I have decided to start all over from the beginning.  I am following the Go Kaleo First 100 days program and so far I am on day 10-well actually day 11, but I had to do day 10 workout today.  I can already feel a huge difference in my body.  It is quite shocking in some ways.  The biggest difference is the energy I have.  On top of the prescribed workouts, I have also been taking one or both of the kids for a nightly stroll.  Not fast but not slow.  Just a kind of mind clearing walk to end the day (this was also a habit I followed for years that I dearly miss)

So there is your update.  I am going to keep my progress up to date and let you know how it is coming along.  I am half tempted to do the before and after pics, but frankly I may need a few glasses of wine to work into that idea!!

ETA:
I forgot to share this great story!
I am a believer in things happen as they should and this is a prime example.
I noticed just the other day that my scale was out of batteries, so I changed them, hopped on and was immediately disappointed.
Fast forward to yesterday.  I decided to give the old scale a shot as I have been feeling less jiggly so of course that means the scale should have some good news, right?!?
Hopped on the scale and what do you know? It was out of batteries again-or was it???  Maybe this is the Universe's way of saying LAY OFF THE SCALE WOMAN!!!
I get it-I can take a hint.
Scale is in the trash