Realigned Expectations.....Check

I have spent a lot of time thinking this week about a lot of things.  One of the main things on my mind is my reaction to the MI Half last weekend.  My reaction is absolutely ridiculous.  I know this logically, but there is some weird niggling thought in the back of my head that keeps telling me you should have done better.

Really??  Why???
Were you training for that particular event?  (No it just happened to be part of the training plan.)
Have you truthfully been putting in all the work? (No.  I have not.)
Wasn't this your first Half race? (Yes, but I have run 13mi faster)
But weren't those 13.1 flat miles? (Yes, but I thought adrenaline was supposed to pick up your pace)
Umm, yeah but weren't those some really big hills and have you done one single hill workout? (umm, no)

Here is the reality.  I have not been working nearly hard enough lately.  I have three midweek runs on my schedule each week and for at least the last month I have only done two per week.  I still make every long run, and my mileage is still increasing, but the reality is I am not putting in the full work I should be.

Tonight while I was rocking Pooh Bear before bed it came to me.  I actually chose the lowest mileage marathon training plan there is out there.  I chose it to just finish.  That's it.  I did not choose it because I was going to get a rockin' time.  I chose it because I haven't even made it to my one year runniversary-I am truly doing a couch to marathon program.  Seriously-how well did I think I would do??
Apparently I thought I was going to come out and be some sort of natural phenom that was going to rock out huge long fast miles.  NOT!!  See that is the thing.  I never had thoughts of grandeur until I crossed that Half finish line.

So what is the deal???  This is just my ridiculous competitive side.  You see I am pretty competitive in most things, but I am MOST competitive with myself.  It is never good enough, fast enough, efficient enough, thought through enough, just never enough.  No matter what happens, I can somehow spin it to something I did not do enough of.

My son isn't eating right now and lives on air about three days per week, clearly this is because I did not introduce him to enough foods early enough like I did with Elise.
The kids aren't sleeping enough or they are falling asleep at wonky times, clearly this is because I did not pay close enough attention to their cues and I missed their routine tweaks.
I can't ever get this house clean, clearly this is because I am a lazy oaf with nothing better to do.  Forget the fact that I spend copious amounts of time keeping my children from killing one another or themselves for that matter.
You name it.  If it happens in my life I can make it my fault.

Now the running is truly my fault and that is what is really digging me.  I know that I am selling myself short because I have slowly slipped back into putting myself last.  The Hubby has been working LONG and LATE so really no relief.  Plus with the double trouble birthday month just hitting our house and all the developmental joys that go along with it-I don't think I have to expand on that much further. It has gotten to the point where everything comes first and my runs come last.  I did not get this far by doing that, but that is exactly how I got to be so miserable in the first place.

This is where I would love to puff up my chest and tell you that is all going to change starting now!  The reality of it is it's not.  I have no idea how I am going to change it back.  I don't know how to make it work.  I am not 100% sure how I was doing it before.  I mean I do and I don't.  I do know what was different, but I know right now it can't be like it was then.  So what to do?

I don't know.  I don't have the answer.  That's kind of why I had to come here.  I thought if I just started working it out on paper something would come to me.  Something magical.  Something like what should have carried me across the finish line in under two hours. HA!